a desire for living
Image of a woman’s hand reaching out to touch long stalks of grass, with piece title and author name plus Unapologetic logo which has a drawing of a frustrated woman holding her finger to her temple
By Heather Slevin
and yeah, so, i’ve been feeling pretty lost lately / i don’t know, like everything
i’ve ever done has been for null / i’ve been through a lot, and i’ve fought, tooth
and nail / with the very strength pulled from each thread of hair / i’ve dragged
myself up and over the mountain / only to find myself over the other side /
looking down at the lakes and the water and the sky and the watching moon /
feeling still a sense of dissatisfaction / what was all that for? / all those tears
and sleepless nights and big arguments and / i’m still here / still me, still
sitting on the couch / i don’t know, i do feel pretty ungrateful / i’ve got a lot to
be thankful for / the sunlight that bursts in through the window of our flat / the
fact that we even managed to get a one-bedroom flat of our own / in a pretty
nice area right out of college / the fact that we narrowly escaped eviction and
homeless / pure begging, desperate emails and hours spent on daft /
i’ve been spending a lot of time alone / thinking / trying not to think negatively
/ i’ve stared at my cv for an unreasonably long amount of time / reminding
myself of everything i’ve done/ went up to derry to make a multi-media thing
about issues in the north in the twenty-first century / there was a girl /
moments in the bathroom / growing feeling of annoyance / some kind of crush
fuelled by hatred and desire for something else / something that didn’t feel so
wrong / something that didn’t make me feel like i was bending my spine over
the cold ice / touching cheek to the snow / the flood of heat and the rush of the
freeze / well, yeah / do you suppose that’s it now? / feels like my mind is
running / the body won’t cooperate / i’m looking for some higher power / i’ve
been learning more about Buddhism / been mediating a few times every day /
which is helping, but i still feel this / is this what human feeling is? / being
forever lost / wandering in the forest with your phone torch on / thinking fuck
technology and ai and clocking into work / why are we even here? / i’d like to
touch ground / please/ lay my naked body, flesh and soul / every ugly and
horrible part of me / the parts that burn and burn / the parts that are hiding
from the sun / building new fortifications / i would like to lay it all out on the
ground / each part of me a pebble or stone / lay it in the glens of the woodlands
/ and cry myself to sleep / god, why have you deserted me now? / i need my
mother / she won’t get out of her chair / the smoke buries under my pores / i
am begging at my father’s feet / saying / daddy i am good / i am good / don’t
you see i am good / i am begging for your forgiveness / i cannot help the dirt
within me / the horrible ugly part of me that wants / wants for women / to
make love to them / to hold them / i am sorry but i am a freak too / i am a
hippie and a weirdo / i can’t work a full time job / i resent the very act of living /
i can’t make myself fit this box / i belong somewhere else / amongst the
wildflowers / perhaps by the coast / i am weak and young and poor / still, i am
begging you for your forgiveness / i just want to feel loved / yes, loved and
accepted / for all the hard and soft parts of me / my love of the sea / my desire
to wander, to write / to find a place in this world
does it ever get better? / started a new job and it didn’t fix anything / made it
worse / tried to go back, to reverse to the past / got pushed away again / now
forced, alone in the surf / to accept that things have changed / that i have
changed / i hate how nothing i ever think comes out how i want it to / is the
inside of my head such an impossible place? / i am fighting everyday / i want to
feel the peace / job security and stability isn’t cutting it for me / i want to enjoy
what i do / to wake up and not resent the act of getting ready / of getting on the
bike or hopping on the bus / i want every day to be an adventure / perhaps i am
asking for too much / this corporate tech-centred earth / these men in blue
suits / the privatisation of love / of health / of home / the heart /
isn’t it horrible to feel so lost? / to know you are the only one who can save
you? / i’m searching still / for my mother / trying to find her in the kitchen
cupboards / hoping to uncover her in the back of the wardrobe / beneath the
old debs dress / retired school uniforms / growing dust now, and they meant so
much back then / desire, yes / desire is the root of human suffering / i now
desire not to desire / i desire yes / to love / to live / to exist / to find myself open
and warm
“Heather Slevin (she/her) is a queer and dyslexic Dublin-based writer. You can find some of her previously featured work in The Cormorant, The Passionfruit Review and The Martello. Her work centres around falling in love with the ordinary. Heather can also be found on Substack, under the name WhaleBone, a sporadically posted blog featuring essays, thoughts, poetry, and, of course, some whale facts.”
